| An old woman goes into a bikers bar. She demands to talk to the leader. A tough looking bearded biker stands up. "I wanna join your gang!" she says. The biker thinks for a second. "Do you have any tattoos?" he asks. "Sure," as she bares her arm. "Hmmm, do you have a leather jacket?" "Out on my hog." she says. "You ever been picked up by the fuzz?" "No, but I've been swung around by my tits a few times!" |
| The wives of three presidents and a prime minister are talking together about what a penis is called in their native languages. The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman because it stands up when women are entering. The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side. The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain because it goes down after the act. Well, the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor because it goes from mouth to mouth. |
| An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when -- all of a sudden -- a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. "Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich." *** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold. "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." *** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman. "Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh -- can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. *** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered." |
| A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?" First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue." The teacher says, "Sorry Amy, but the sky can be grey or orange depending on the weather." Second a little boy says, "Trees are definitely green." "Sorry, but in the autumn many trees are gold or brown," said the teacher. Third a Little Johnny in the back of the class says, "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! That's disgusting. Of course not!!!" "OK... then I definitely have shit in my pants," said Johnny. |
| An old woman, a young woman, and Englishman, and an Irishman are travelling in the compartment of a train together across the British countryside. Each of the four of them is ignoring the other three. Suddenly, the train enteres a tunnel, and the compartment is thrown into pitch blackness. Out of the darkness comes the sound of a kiss, then the sound of a slap. The train leaves the tunnel, and the travellers act as though nothing happened. The old woman, however, is thinking to herself, "Look at that young woman sitting there next to me, acting as if nothing happened. I know the Englishman kissed her." The young woman is thinking to herself, "Why would an Irishman kiss an old lady?" The Englishman is thinking to himself, "I didn't do anything! Why'd I get my face slapped?" And the Irishman is thinking to himself, "How do you like that? I kiss the back of my hand, slap an Englishman in the face and get away with it!" |
| One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice, red sports car, was how attractive the driver was. She was a gorgeous blonde. "I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. May I see your driver's license please?" "License?" replied the blonde, instantly revealing that she was as dumb as a bag of nails. "It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now, may I see your registration?" asked the cop. "Registration? What's that?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment," said the cop, impatiently. After more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute," said the cop as he walked back to his car. The officer radioed the dispatcher to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher radioed back. "Um... is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes," replied the officer. "Is she a drop dead, gorgeous blonde?" "Yes." "Here's what you do..." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants." "What! I can't do that! That's crazy!" exclaimed the cop. "Trust me. Just do it," insisted the dispatcher. The cop returned to the blonde, gave back the license and registration, and dropped his pants just as the dispatcher had suggested. The blonde looked down and sighed, "Oh no... not another breathalyzer!" |
There is a beautiful desert island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded: One month later on this beautiful desert island in the middle of nowhere.... |
| One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared. "I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said. The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try." "Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife." |
| Three men die in a car crash, and they find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. They are all asked, "As your mortal remains lie below on Earth in your casket, and friends and family are mourning you, what would you most like to hear them say about you?" The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a really great physician and healer, yet also a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say....... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!" |
| There once was a scientist doing an experiment on the reaction of fleas. He had trained a flea to jump on command. The scientist would command the flea, "Jump Flea!" and the flea would jump. Then the scientist would proceed to pull off one of the fleas legs with a pair of tweezers and write a comment in his notebook. The scientist did this many times until the flea had only one leg left. The scientist said, "Jump Flea!" and the flea made it's best effort to jump, which the scientist recorded in his notebook. After he pulled off its last leg, the scientist commanded the flea to jump, and after repeating the command many times without the flea responding he jotted down in his notebook, "After the flea loses all of his legs it becomes completely deaf." |
| An Irish priest was driving himself to church one fine Sunday morning. As he passed a field, he happened to glance over and he saw a farmer screwing a sheep. "Saints preserve us," he thought, and kept on driving. A few minutes later, the priest passed another field. He glanced at the field and saw another farmer screwing a sheep. "Dear God in Heaven!" thought the priest, and he kept on driving. A few minutes later, he happened to pass another field. He glanced into the field and saw a farmer leaning up against a tree, jerking off. "Well," said the priest to himself, "I've certainly decided what today's sermon is going to be about!" When he gets to the pulpit of his church, the priest begins: "Friends and neighbors, an appalling situation exists here in our God-fearing hamlet. As I was driving to church this fine Sunday morning, I passed a field and saw a farmer performing an unnatural act on a sheep. Not five minutes later, I passed another field, and saw another farmer performing an unnatural act on a sheep. Not five minutes later, I passed another field and saw a farmer performing an unnatural act on himself!" And from one of the pews in the back of the church, a voice called out, "Oh, that'd be Paddy O'Flannigan. He never could catch a sheep." |
| A woman army driver, after a long drive arrived at her destination, a remote camp, at midnight. The sergeant on duty showed her where to leave the vehicle, and then said, "Where will you sleep tonight?" She said, "Well, the only thing I could do is to sleep in the cab." The sergeant thought for a moment and said, "It's a cold night, tell you what, you can have my bunk if you like, I'll sleep on the floor." The girl eagerly accepted the offer. After the girl turned in, she felt sorry for the sergeant sleeping there on the cold hard floor, and offered him to squeeze in alongside of her on the bunk. Without much ado, the sarge got in and then said, "Do you want to sleep single or married?" The girl giggled and said, "It'd be nice if we slept 'married' don't you?" "Well okay, if that's what you want, we'll sleep 'married' then," he said turning his back on her and fell asleep. |
| An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked, "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic syphilis, Sir." "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man," said the Major. He went to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic piles, Sir." "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man," barked the Major. He moved to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic gum disease, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!" |
| Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject eventually got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex now, just as much as ever. The second old lady was surprised, and asked her what her secret was. The old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage, she hurries and takes a shower, then jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom he gets turned on and has his way with her. The second old lady decides to try this approach. So that night when she hears her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. Her husband comes into the bedroom, takes one look and says, "For God's sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you're starting to look like an asshole!" |
| A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots, and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had." The bartender asks, "What do you have?" The guy answers, "75 cents." |
| When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?" "Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first." |
| There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!" |
| One night, while tending bar, Morris, the bartender notices this hideous looking fella...really ugly....at the far end of the bar with several hot women around him. Finally, the bartender's curiosity gets the best of him, and he walks down to where the ugly man is. Morris says, "Please don't get offended when I tell you this, but I couldn't help noticing you have several beautiful women hanging all over you, and, forgive me, but you are not exactly the most handsome person I've ever seen. In fact, you're quite ugly. Now, normally, I would think these ladies are attracted to you because of your money, but I can tell by the way you're dressed, and the fact that they are buying YOU drinks, it's not your money. So, tell me, sir, what is it about you that these women are so crazy about?" The man paused a moment, smiled suggestively, licked his eyebrows, and said, "I haven't the foggiest idea." |
| There was a woman who was dating a guy. The guy asked her if they could make whooppi and she was living in an apartment at the time and said, "I only have bunk beds, my son sleeps on the bottom and I sleep on the top." He agreed to sleep with her and said, "Let's use a special code. Lettuce for slower, Tomato for faster." They were having sex and she was saying, "Lettuce, Lettuce, Tomato, Tomato!!!" Suddenly her son said, "Would you please stop making sandwiches up there. You're getting the mayonnaise in my face!!" |
| John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of laxatives and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted laxatives and told him to take it all at once," John explained. "Laxatives won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily. "Sure it will," John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough." |
| Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get his cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine." Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'm keepin' all my cows." Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to 'take care of'. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply must keep all my cows." They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only one animal in it: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point. First Bull: "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend." Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of. I'll stay on the opposite end of the pasture from him. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting. First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a BULL!" |
| Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news, "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, "Will I be acquitted?" |
| A husband was with his wife when she decided to buy something for their daughter-in-law at an exclusive lingerie shop. Inside, the husband was feeling very out of place when a beautiful clerk asked if she could help him. In a cocky manner, he asked, "Where are all the men's clothes?" In a demure voice the clerk replied, "All of these clothes are for men, sir." |
| An English professor and his son recently moved to Texas. One Saturday afternoon they decided to take a walk through the park. During the walk the boy sees two cowboys go by. "Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!" The father is surprised by this and tells his son that that is not very nice language to use. A few minutes later, two more cowboys walk by and again the boy yells, "Dad, look at those bow legged bastards!" The father, quite upset now turns to his son and says, "I told you not to say that and I do not want to hear it again, or else." Just a few minutes go by and another pair of cowboys, walk by and once again the child yells, "Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!" "That's it!" the father yells, and takes the kid home and locks him in his room with the complete works of Shakespeare. Two weeks later, he lets his son out and notices that he has taken to speaking in verse like Shakespeare wrote. This impressed the father so he decided to take his son out for another walk through the park. As they were walking a pair of cowboys walk past them. The boy turns to his father and says, "Father, what strange men are these / whose balls hang in parentheses?" |
| Three men, a Jewish man, a Catholic man, and a Mormon man, were having drinks at the bar following a business meeting. The Jewish man, bragging about his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team." The Catholic man pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons. One more and I'll have a football team." To which the Mormon man replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course." |
| Mary went to Jill's place to tell her about a horrible experience she'd had the previous night with this bloke she brought home. "Well, what happened when you got there?" Jill asked "The bastard called me a slut!" Mary said. "And what did you do then?" Jill asked, shocked. "I told him to get the fuck out of my bedroom and take his eight mates with him!" Mary said. |
| The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else left the church. When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice, "Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?" "Why reverend," the young thing replied, "All of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts." "Hmm. Well, let me check," said the man of the cloth, placing his head between her tits. After several minutes, he raised his head and said, "I don't hear any angels singing!" "That's weird, it worked fine with my boyfriends." said the young woman. Then the minister said, "Maybe because I'm not plugged in yet, don't you think?" |
| A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told her she needed more activity and recommended sex three times a week. She said to the doctor, "Please, tell my husband." The doctor goes out in the waiting room and tells the husband that his wife needs to have sex three times a week. The 80-year-old husband replies, "Which days?" The doctor says, "How about Monday, Wednesday and Friday?" The husband says, "I can bring her Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays she'll have to take the bus." |
| Britain decided it was time to switch left lane traffic to right lane traffic, as everywhere in Europe. So they gather to plan the whole thing and nobody seems to come up with any viable solution, so they send out some help-me type faxes. A couple of days later, answers come back. The French fax read: "As your neighbors, we are deeply touched you requested our help," etc., etc., "but we have no idea at all how to do it." The German fax read: "We are Germany, the most organized country in Europe, but we have not had this problem before and we do not know how to handle it." The Polish fax read: "As you know, we are Poland, a country that has done a lot on the path towards democracy and economic resuscitation. We have a great deal of experience in such transition processes. But, as to overcome the inherent difficulties and to avoid social problems, any and all transitions must be done gradually. So, it is our proposal to handle the situation in three big steps. The first year, it should be mandatory only for the trucks to ride on the right lane . . ." |
| A blonde, a redhead, and brunette decided to go on a hike. The redhead said, "I brought water, so in case we get thirsty, we will have something to drink." And she started up the hill. The brunette said, "I brought food, so in case we get hungry, we will have something to eat." And she started up the hill. The blonde followed..... The brunette and the redhead turned around and said, "What'd you bring?" The blonde said, "I brought a car door. In case we get hot, we can roll down the window..." |
| A man was sitting down watching his tv. one evening, when he heard a loud knocking on his door. Wondering who on earth it could be, he jumped up to answer it. There, standing before him, was a large beetle who proceeded to beat him up. The next evening, there was the same knocking at the door. Cautiously the man answered the door. Again, there was the beetle, and the same thing happened. The man took himself down to his doctor with his cuts and bruises and explained the whole situation to his Doc. "Hhmm," said the doctor, looking at his wounds, "I'd heard there was a nasty bug going around!" |
| Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it." |
| A blonde and brunette were watching the six o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "I bet you $50 the man is going to jump." The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50. The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then." "No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again." |
| A world-renowned ventriloquist is doing a huge show in Madison Square Garden for thousands of people. In his act, he throws in a few blonde jokes here and there. At the end of the show, he is backstage when a blonde woman approaches him, visibly shaken. "I just want to tell you how disgusted and offended I was by your show tonight. The way you made fun of blondes was unnecessary and uncalled for!" The ventriloquist was completely taken aback. He had no idea that his show would ever offend anyone! "Ma'am, I am so sorry. If I had any idea that I would offend audience members, I would never have done the act, and I am very sorry," he said sincerely. "No, no," said the blonde. "I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to that bastard sitting in your lap." |
| The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him, "Do you love your wife?" "Yes I do, sir." "Do you love your country?" "Yes I do, sir." "What do you love more, your wife or your country?" "My country, sir." "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her." The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves. The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..." The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says, "What happened?!?!" "The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!" |
| There was an Irishman walking down the street with a sack over his shoulder, and a friend came up to him and said, "What's in the bag, Mick?" Mick replied, "Chickens Pat, and I'll tell you what, if you guess how many I've got I will give you both of them." Pat answered, "Three?" |
| The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This," he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it." At which a Clever Dick stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone. "Where is my father?" he asked. There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out. On it were printed the words: "Fishing off Florida". Clever Dick laughed. "Actually," he said, "my father is dead!" It had been a tricky question!! The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again? Clever Dick thought, went to the Ultimate Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband?" Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words: "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida." |
| Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you don't stop them?!" "Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion." So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER $50.00." |
| A computer science graduate student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the grad student. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes topless." Poof! He's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! He's gone. "You're next," the Genie says to the professor. The professor says, "I have a lot of research to do.... I guess I want those guys back in the lab after lunch." |
| A priest is out for an afternoon stroll and turned the corner to find a Lil' Johnny with a hammer, smashing the tar out of a bunch of ants. Johnny was saying to himself, "I hate these fucking ants... I hate these fucking ants." The priest is taken back by the little boy's language and told him basically that God doesn't make junk. "Tomorrow I will be coming by again and if you can tell me three things that God created that are worthless, than I will let you continue killing the ants." The next afternoon the priest is out again for his walk and came upon Lil' Johnny, smashing ants. The priest reminded him of the agreement that they made, that he agreed not to kill any more ants unless he could name three things that God created that are worthless. Lil' Johnny looked up with a devilish smile and said, "I know three things: a priest's prick, a nun's tits and these fucking ants!" |
| It's back in the 1800's and a mine owner is hiring new workers. A German steps up and says, "I can pick gold faster than any man alive." The owner hires him on the spot. A Russian wanders up and says, "I can load gold faster than any man alive." The owner can't believe his good fortune and hires this man, too. A Chinese man walks up and asks for a job. The owner is so elated about hiring the other two men he says, "Well, if these other two men work as good as they say I won't need any more help, but I'll put you in charge of supplies." The next day the owner goes and checks on his new workers, and sure enough, the German is picking gold at an unbelievable rate. The Russian is loading it as fast as the other workers can haul it out. He looks around and can't find the Chinese man anywhere. He begins to walk around the mine to find him and just as he rounds a dark corner the Asian jumps out from behind a rock and yells, "SU'PLISE!" |
| The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him. "Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?" The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance." |
| A little old man was escorted into the witness box. After being sworn in, the lawyer asked him to explain what happened. After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to the incident, he finally got around to the meat of the case. "...and then she hit me with a maple leaf." "Surely that couldn't have caused you any serious injury?" said the lawyer. "Are you kidding?" exclaimed the old man. "It was the leaf from the center of our dining room table." |
| Young Bill was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Bill's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Bill spied his prize bull doing the business on one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel. He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing." "Well then, why don't you? "Mabel whispered back. "It is your cow." |
| A doctor had just finished a marathon shagging session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw his patients. However, a little voice in his head said, "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients, so its not like you're the first ..." This made the doctor feel a bit better until another voice in his head said, "...but they probably weren't vets." |
| A blonde was standing in front of a soda machine muttering, "You're a dumb-looking button. You don't have much of a future, either. You're going to be replaced by a much better looking button." "What are you doing?" her girlfriend asked. The blonde quickly pointed to the sign on the front of the machine that read: "Depress button for ice". |
| Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two are, I figured I'd better run too!" |
| Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" "They're mating, Lucy." he replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" Lucy asked. "Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs." Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs." Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having that sort of thing in our garden!" |
| A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask." The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?" The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best." |
| The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living. One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said, "My mom's a whore." Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked, "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" Johnny said, "Yes." "Well, what did the principal say?" "He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number." |
Do you know a good joke ? Please mail it to me ! Thank you very much ! |
 2000 - 12 - 21 |